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I have no feelings

I was 23 years old, as a child I was sensitive, I was concerned about many things, even those that did not concern me, such as people suffering from hunger or a dying animal. Throughout the whole school period I was ridiculed, every day of my life at school was a challenge for me, which had a big impact on my adult life, because I can't catch good contact with people, not to mention work, I have a strange feeling that everyone wants to do me some kind of harm, I hate people. I used to cry when I thought someone else was getting hurt, and now when I hear about something like that I start to laugh mocking at the hate, this feeling can't be stopped. Sometimes I'm afraid of myself. I'm surprised that I managed to find a guy, he's handsome enough to even say that I'm not in my league, I've been with him for 5 years what keeps me with him is not love, I don't even know what to call it I don't love him, my feeling for him is gratitude for letting me free myself from all these people. I've always tried to be isolated from everyone, so when I go out with a guy I feel not my own, mostly we spend time with his friends because I don't have any friends because of lack of trust in people. Lately I've been thinking about whether I would be able to live differently but I can't break through sitting in a darkroom in a room I feel like I've had the chance to go out with my family many times but lately I've been afraid to leave the house for a year now something bad is happening to my psyche, I'll add that earlier in my youth I tried to commit suicide many times and now I think I wouldn't be able to do it I have a more resistant psyche. It would be best if people started killing each other and I would be happy to watch them die, I am not moved by the sight of blood or death, I sometimes imagine the exact scene of where I torture someone and my victim is in pain and begs me for mercy... I start laughing like a madwoman and for example, I blow an axe to the head.

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