I miss the pathology. Is it a mental illness?
I recently ended a three-year relationship where I went through a little hell. My ex-boyfriend used mental and physical violence, especially when he was drunk. I can't count how many chances of improvement I've given him and how many times I've failed. The scheme was always the same. He got drunk and took it out on me. The standard were the names, the insults, the pushing, the jerking, even the throwing out of the house at 3 a.m. in pajamas. After all, the next day, gentle as a lamb, he apologized and promised not to drink again. I, foolishly, believed and let into my heart again, trusting that it would change.
I didn't have the strength and motivation to leave permanently, I was afraid. I loved it stupidly. Toxic compound completely fooled me, and he had me wrapped around his finger. Of course there were attempts to leave. It ended in a fiasco. He could charm me so much with his talk that I came back to him after 2 days. It took about 2 years. Gradually, I was putting out with him, not only through drunken actions, but also by treating me like a superfluous addition. I didn't feel important with him. It is impossible to count the situations in which I felt humiliated by him, not only when we were alone, but also among friends. These screams and clamoring towards me took away my desire for everything. Sometimes I was afraid to speak to him so I wouldn't hear anything unpleasant.
I felt that deep down in my heart he was good, but something bad was happening in him, because yes, there were also happy moments, he was a teddy bear, he could be sweet, but those were only moments, interspersed with disrespect to me. Many times I suggested visiting a psychologist and giving up drinking completely. But the words and promises from his side ended. I really wanted to help him and be there for him, if only he showed some initiative...
And suddenly he appeared - Bartek - a man who fascinated me so much that I could not stop thinking about him. An ideal that was created as if specially for me. When my former relationship was still hanging by a thread, something started to form between us. We fell in love... and Bartek wanted to help me get out of this pathology. We've come closer together mentally and physically. Bartek charmed me with his good heart, interest, care, tenderness, everything that I missed in the relationship. He motivated me to end this toxic relationship and finally it happened.
But now... ...I have great remorse. Despite the fact that I explained to my ex what reasons I have (which he should have known a long time ago, because every time I left, I gave them all), I feel terribly sorry for him, because I see him suffering. He hasn't quit, he's been bothering me at home, after work, I see how bad he is and I'm very sorry... I'm with Bartek now, but I can't enjoy it. I feel like I'm building my happiness on someone's misfortune. I did wrong because I betrayed, it also eats me from the inside, I should have ended the relationship before something happened between me and Bartek. I've behaved shamefully, and now I'm completely confused. I love Bartek, but I can't explain why I feel so bad when my ex suffers. When I see his sad face, I feel like coming back. What's wrong with me?
I'll add that my ex doesn't know about Bartek, his incompetence blocks me from telling him the truth. It's a bit twisted, because on the one hand, I'm afraid that something might happen to Bartek when he finds out, on the other hand, I feel that he would suffer more if he found out, and he doesn't want to either. Each of my relatives wonders why they feel sorry for their ex-husband, he hurt me a lot, and I feel sorry for him.
I'm some kind of abnormal... it's sick. How do you explain it? Affection? Love? Or is there something else?