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I live in the shadows

Throughout the school period, I was underestimated by my peers, treated like air and often rejected, but it was a period of "youth rebellion" and at that time I didn't pay much attention to it, all the time I was doing everything literally alone, even on school benches, I was also always sitting alone. It followed me to high school, then I was also treated like air by others. In turn, I was partly from a pathological house where my father drank and my older brother by almost 12 years, I fell into a severe depression at that time, so I had two suicide attempts because I was tired of all this, I could not find support anywhere. I've often wondered about myself. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's pushing others away from me? and is that how it should be? When the school was over and it was time to start the work (in which I am also and yet I am not there because most of the people reject me) I met a group of people who were present for a short time because they were present when they themselves were in need or had a business, I realized that if nobody helps me, then maybe I will start to help someone myself, it was a naive approach on my part because I was used for such a purpose where the end was such that I turned my back on these people. To this day I'm 25 years old and I still follow me, the fact that I've been living in the shadows for all these years has accumulated hatred and aversion to everything I've turned my back on and created my own world and not so long ago I was painting pictures and playing the guitar, it helped me to escape from people (more than drinking, (smoking or drugs, which most of my friends in all my years have been and still are) I also lost the sense of it, it no longer makes me happy, I feel a complete nonsense of dislike and hatred perhaps because I was put aside everywhere even at work. I tried to help others, but it was also unsuccessful because I was never appreciated either... and I'm not talking about everyone laying down a red carpet or throwing roses under their shoes, but about gratitude itself, which has broken the picture in my head of people's blindness to selfless help, not only mine. All these miserable memories have changed me and I live in isolation from others only work and home and there are so few things that make me happy and content with what I do now. I even stopped wondering about myself because it doesn't make sense, although the only thing I've always been proud of is that I've never followed a path that others have followed, such as drinking, smoking or doing drugs. I'm addicted to it and I'm trying to comfort you with that.

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