I'm just making fun of myself.
I'm 17 years old and I have a few things in me. Lately, I come home from school and lie down, alone, and I get bored and start thinking about things in my life. I've been thinking about one boyfriend for a month. I'm hurting the situation between us. I'm putting in my head a lot of scenarios for a conversation. Of course, I'm betting that none of them will go away. We were sleeping yesterday. And I wrote him good night, and he wrote back that I shouldn't go to bed because it's early and that I should show him off. So I asked how he was doing and how the day went. Well, he's responsible for being a little tired, and he asked me the same thing. And I'm stupid, instead of writing him back that I couldn't keep choking on everything, so I wrote him a shitty day. Of course he asked why. And I've done another foolish thing, and I've written that I'm lying and thinking about things, but it's not a snap talk. He's gonna write on facebook for a while or I'm alone. I said I should sit in the house and text him the code to the cage. I did it.In less than 20 minutes, he was at my house and he said I should tell him what's going on because if this isn't a snap call, it's probably a private conversation.I was nervous about telling him what was going on. I was so scared. And to all this, when he came at the same time, my mother came, who is very nosy and I knew I was listening to everything. Get to the point.I had thousands of thoughts in my head and I wanted to tell him all of them, but I didn't know how. I started by saying that I wanted to break off contact with him some time ago. He was surprised because he didn't know why. He started asking me all sorts of questions that were easy to answer, but the answer was terribly difficult.I figured, since he's here, I'll tell him everything.I started telling him that the situation between us is very hard for me, that I can't deal with it. Of course, you're probably wondering what the situation is. Otoz... we act like a couple but we're not. I mean hugging, holding hands, writing to each other words like "sweetheart", "teddy bear" etc. He didn't understand what I was talking about at first, so I explained to him that it hurts me to know that there is no such thing as it used to be. Such interest on both sides. Talking a few hours a day, saying sweet words, that he misses me more than his bed, that he's worried. I'm an objective person and I know how I feel, so I told him I love him. Because that's the truth. And I know it's not a fascination or an infatuation. This is love. I didn't expect him to answer like I did you. I thought he'd say I was just a friend to him. He told me I'm a friend to him, maybe even someone else, but he doesn't want to get into a relationship. I'm misunderstood. I didn't want to put pressure on him that I love him and he should love me too. I just wanted him to know how I felt about him. This is the first time I've ever been in this situation with someone I love. I had a couple of guys, but it looked more like they were flying behind me and I was with them on a principle - we get along very well, so you can try. And somehow nothing ever came out. I'm afraid I've lost him by daring to make that confession. He only wrote me the usual good night yesterday. He's practically never done that. He's always been a good man, darling, teddy bear, baby, or just a kiss. And now nothing. I don't know what to do. Do you think I should call him and tell him that I think he misunderstood me and that he doesn't want to lose him and he absolutely doesn't want our relationship to change? I have a meth in my head... I had to write this to someone and throw it away, so forgive me for being so long. I missed a lot of information anyway.